Aug 07 2012


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Excuse me, but can I buy your pants?

 I have come to the conclusion that fruit cups are evil.


The creators of these malicious cups should be forced to open up their products while wearing their best dress clothes.  Every time I open a fruit cup I spill the juice on me.  This morning I opened up a fruit cup and sure enough, the juice flew out of the cup and hit my shirt.  I’m positive these fruit cups are booby trapped to spill on the consumer.  I have a mandarin orange juice stain on my shirt.  I even made sure I took my time this morning while opening the evil fruit cup in order to prevent this unwanted fruit juice stain on my shirt.  I thought I was moving as carefully as a brain surgeon during surgery.  I have no idea how carefully a brain surgeon moves, but somehow I picture a brain surgeon moving very methodically and carefully during brain surgery. 


I do know that I used all the skill that I have I learned while playing the game of Operation as a child to open this tiny, menacing fruit cup.  I carefully lifted up on the plastic to open the fruit cup and BAM!  The red nose lit up and the next thing I know…fruit juice sprayed on my shirt.

Don’t touch the sides.

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The fruit cup pretty much laughed at me, and shot fruit juice at me like it was a Super Soaker squirt gun. I actually looked down at my shirt to see if I had a bull’s eye on my chest.

Fruit Cup = 1 point(s)

Me = 0 point(s) 

I purchased two packages of these malicious fruit cups and I’m nervous about opening the other 7 cups.  I’m going to need to purchase a bib in order to open and eat the remaining fruit cups.  How professional will that look at my office?  A grown man, sitting at his desk, wearing a bib, eating fruit cups is not the poster board of professionalism.

I imagine the Fruit Cup vs. Me scoreboard at the end of the week will look like: 

Fruit Cup = 8 points

Me = 0 point(s) Loser with fruit stains on my shirts or worse…my pants.


I’m sure the people who manufacture these tiny evil cups must find some sick joy in knowing that they are ruining outfits across the world.


Water-spraying sinks at restaurants are evil too.  We all have experienced these menacing sinks.  You turn on the faucet and BAM welcome to the club.  What club?  The you-just-wet-your-pants-in-the-restaurant-restroom club.  This has happened to me so many times, I’m one more incident away from becoming the President of the Wet Pants Club.

You have the following options when becoming a wet pants victim from the restaurant water-spraying sink.

1.) Panic and hide in a stall until the restaurant closes.  Make sure to lift up your feet while sitting on the toilet to go into stealth mode.

2.) Immediately go back to your table and explain to your dinner party that you didn’t make it to the restroom on time.

3.) Stay in the restroom long enough for your pants to dry.  The amount of time varies dramatically if there are no hand dryers.  Then you have to explain to your dinner party why you were in the restroom for so long, and that it didn’t have anything to do with eating the spicy appetizers.

4.) Un-tuck your shirt and hope that your shirt is long enough to cover the wet stain.  You then have to explain to others that you had a wardrobe malfunction in the rest room.

5.) Wait for another person to enter the restroom and offer to purchase their pants.  Note: This is an extreme option and should only be used for a severe wet pants emergency.

Examples of a severe wet pants emergency:

a.) First dates

b.) Important business dinners

c.) Meeting your significant other’s parents for the first time

Wet Pants Emergency Rule of Thumb:  If you are wearing gray dress pants when entering the restroom…make sure that you leave wearing gray dress pants.  Otherwise…it’s just too difficult to explain. 

I’m tired of fruit stained shirts and wet pants.  As a consumer and someone who frequents restaurants, I have rights.  We all have rights.  We all have the right to open a product and not have it immediately attack us and turn our wardrobe into a punch line.  We all have the right to go to the rest room at a restaurant and not return to our table with wet pants.

The next time you see someone with a stain on their shirt or wet pants, offer to sell them your clothes. Why? A future romantic relationship, an important business venture, or a potential great marriage may depend on a stranger wearing your clothes.


Be kind…think of others…and sell them your clothes.

© 2012 – 2014, Iric. All rights reserved.

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1 comment

  1. Dakota

    My girlfriend just made fun of me the other day for spilling something all over me while opening it. I completely agree that these products should be more well-thought-out.

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