Feb 26 2012


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My Life As A Ninja

I was flipping through the TV channels and came across a karate movie. It reminded me of when I was younger and had a real ninja suit.  My friend, Danny, and I saved money for months to purchase our ninja suits.  The suit had everything we needed to look cool: hood, socks, boots, hidden pockets, and the all-importantutility belt. Yessuper heroes and ninjas both require a utility belt.  After you put on all the multiple layers of the suit, you achieve maximum stealthiness, and can only be seen by the keenest eye. Wearing a real ninja suit automatically gives you special powers. What powers? You immediately become an expert in the art of karate.  Who has the time to spend countless hours waxing cars, sanding floors, catching flies with chopsticks, and painting fences to learn karate? We didn’t have that kind of time and patience.  We were kids. The wearer of a real ninja suit can run faster, jump higher, climb better, and has incredible strength. For $100, it seemed like a bargain considering all the special powers that were included with the ninja suit. On to the story Danny and I lived in an apartment complex.  Danny and my girlfriend both lived on the second floor of the same building.  Each building had two entrances and two sets of stairways to get to and from your apartment.  Like any typical summer evening, I was wearing my ninja suit and I was talking to my girlfriend in the hallway outside of her apartment.  Shortly afterwards, Danny came out of his apartment and stopped to talk to us for several minutes.  He said that he needed to get something out of his mother’s car and he would be right back. I’ll scare Danny when he comes back. A few minutes had passed, and I was crouched down at the top of the stairs waiting for Danny’s return.  I heard the sound of the door opening below. I then heard the sounds of someone walking up the stairs.  The steps on this stairway had a distinct squeak when someone walked on them.  When you scare someone, timing is everything while attempting to achieve the ultimate goal: scaring the pee out of someone. 3 2 1 I leapt up from my crouched position with my arms in a fighting stance and started to scream like a crazy man in a karate movie.

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Question: After doing a foolish prank, how long does it take you to realize that you just did something really stupid?   I believe it’s pretty much instantaneous.  The person who I scared began to tumble down the stairs.  This person was holding two bags of groceries and a gallon of milk.  The gallon of milk flew through the air and hit the floor at the bottom of the stairs.  The gallon of milk then exploded like a water balloon.  Groceries were scattered throughout the stairway and on the now wet floor.  The person who I had scared was my girlfriend’s mother; AKA Mrs. Never-Did-Like-Me.  Fear swept across my body and I did what every young boy would do at that ageI ran away.  I ran out of the back of the building so fastsomeone would have thought my ninja pants were on fire.   When you wear a real ninja suit, you imagine fighting 20 men at once, and being the only one still standing after the battle.  Even the powers of a real ninja suit cannot protect you from one angry girlfriend’s mom covered in milk. I wonder why she never liked me? Next to the building entrances were tall skinny windows. When I safely made it out of the building, I returned to look through the window.  I could see the mess that I had created in the hallway. My girlfriend and her mother were picking up the groceries. I just shook my head in disbelief and shame. What I didn’t know was that on the other side of the building, Danny was now wearing his ninja suit. He had his suit in his mother’s car and decided to put it on to try to scare my girlfriend and me. As he returned to the building, he noticed my girlfriend standing in the hallway through the window. The front door opened and Danny leapt into the hallway.  His arms were out in a fighting position, and I could hear his karate cries from outside the building.  I was in shock from his appearance, but I quickly started to laugh.  I cracked open the door to listen.  The groceries that Mrs. Never-Did-Like-Me just picked up off the floor fell out of her hands again. Mrs. Never-Did-Like-Me: “Okay smart a$$!  The first time may have been funny, but now I’m ticked off!” Even though Danny’s face was covered from his ninja hood, I could see the same fear in his eyes that I had when I noticed that I had just scared Mrs. Never-Did-Like Me.  The next thing I saw was Mrs. Never-Did-Like-Me throwing food at Danny. Danny started to run, but his ninja boots failed him.  He slipped on the exploded milk, and fell on his ninja butt.  At that moment, Mrs. Never-Did-Like-Me threw a box of spaghetti noodles, and hit Danny in the head.  Danny stood up and ran out the back door.  Danny immediately noticed me and also noticed that I was laughing at him. Danny: “Hey!  I just tried to scare you.” Me: “I know you did.  I just tried to scare you five minutes ago.” I told him what had happened earlier and the reason there were groceries and milk on the hallway floor.  We both laughed.   Danny: “Great! Mrs. Never-Did-Like-Me thinks I scared her both times.  She’s going to kick my butt.” Me: “I hope you don’t slip on milk again or else she will catch you, and kick your butt.”   Mrs. Never-Did-Like-Me ended up complaining to Danny’s mom about his childish prank.  Danny was grounded, and his mother told him, “I’m tired of you and Iric wearing your fancy black pajamas to scare people.  You two better stop scaring people.  If not, I’ll take both of your ninja pajamas, and throw them away.”   Real ninja suits make you a faster runner, a high jumper, a better climber, and even stronger, but they do not make you smarter.

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