Jul 02 2013


Tangent Attack Volume 2

In terms of construction, my city is in a constant state of confusion. The days of easily going from Point A to Point B are long gone. Those peaceful drives only live in one’s memory. There is so much construction in my city that orange barrels are as common as trees.

A simple drive to the grocery store involves driving from Point A to Point Z nowadays. Every time I drive anywhere in this town I feel like I’m performing a motor vehicle line dance.

Turn to the left.

Turn to the right.

Back it up…spin around…and freeze….everybody honk your horn now.

You get the point. It’s vehicular madness. If you are fortunate enough to find a small stretch of road without an orange barrel you are treated to the annoying traffic roundabout.

If the Land of Oz had ½ the amount of orange barrels that are in my city, Dorothy would have never made it to see the Wizard of Oz. We would have never known her three amigos and the iconic songs associated with them. Right now Dorothy would still be trapped in a never-ending roundabout.

We’re Off To See The Wizard.

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Speaking of grocery stores, the grocery stores in my city are in a bad reality-show like competition to see who can make their stores as fancy as possible and the store layouts as unrecognizable as possible. I have always had a strong dislike towards grocery stores. When I actually do go to the grocery store I want to get in and get out faster than a certain former president in a spelling bee. The problem is, I can no longer find anything in my grocery store. I need to win the lottery so I can hire a personal driver and a personal shopper just to purchase a box of cereal and a gallon of milk. The salad bars are so fancy now; every time I try to make an affordable salad for lunch…I come out with a $27 salad with no croutons. What is the world coming to?

On an uplifting note, we just got motion sensor paper towel dispensers in the restrooms at work. Yes…I know…we have moved into the new millennium of technology.

Don’t be jealous.

Don’t be a hater.

Of course, to make the new motion sensor paper towel dispenser work today I practically had to reenact that famous scene from the original Karate Kid movie.

There is no way to look cool when you are performing this hand movement in a public restroom. My hands were almost dry by the time a paper towel decided to make its grand entrance. Worse yet, paper towels continued to dispense until a strand of towels were at my feet. I suppose there is still some fine tuning that needs to be done to the machine or else we will have a Green Army of Environmentalists at our door demanding that we stop wasting restroom paper, and destroying villages in third world countries.

Relax…I didn’t have to resort to the Crane or Flamingo Kick to get a paper towel.

If I’d had to use such a fancy kick to get a paper towel, my shoe may have flown off of my foot, and broken a mirror.

Who needs seven years of luck like that? Not me.

If I have to earn a black belt in order to dry my hands in the restroom at work; I’ll just start bringing a beach towel to work to dry off.

Either way…paper towel technology has finally hit my workplace. Exciting, huh?

What’s next? Retractable pencils, automatic staplers, adjustable chairs, or colored paper clips?

One can only wonder and hope.


Random embarrassing fact: I used to eat toilet paper when I was a young child. Fortunately, I do not have many memories of my demented cookie monster toilet paper eating experience, but I have heard the horrifying stories from relatives. People would actually hide their toilet paper when I visited their homes.

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