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Your World My Eyes » staying sane through laughter

Feb 05 2012

Iric

To Diet or Not To Diet

A friend of mine thought it would be funny and put me on emailing lists for several diet companies.  In the past, I have also been added to newsletters, fan pages, and special events for ALL the sports teams that I detest.  While annoying at times, I do appreciate the humor in adding me to all of these companies and sports teams’ lists.

For the most part, I have been successful in removing myself from these lists.  However, there is one diet company who has been relentless in their pursuit to recruit me into their Be Thin or Else program.  I’m sure this diet company has me listed under their “People in Denial” category.  I fear that I’m weeks, if not days, away from them sending the Diet Police after me.

 

They use attractive key phrases like:

Put your hunger on hold

Watch Pounds Melt Away

Look Better Naked

Diet food meals delivered to your door

Start Looking Great Today

 

The humor in all this is that I do not have a weight problem.  So, in a final attempt to remove myself from this weight-loss campaign against me, I have sent the following email to the diet company.

 

Dear Madam/Sir,

I appreciate your concern with the world’s obesity problem.  It’s an important issue that needs to be addressed to ensure that the people of the world can live long and healthy lives.  I am honored that you think that I am such an important person.  How do I know this?  Because you feel the need to bombard me with your advertisements and emails, and to share so many personal weight loss testimonies in order for me to join your diet program.  However, I regretfully need to inform you that I do not have a weight problem (I gave all my measurements).

 

Occasionally, I do eat potato chips, live-on-the-edge and get two scoops of ice cream in a waffle cone, super-size my combo meal, and go for seconds at an all you can eat buffet.  But for the most part, I do watch what I eat and I exercise regularly.  At this time, I am asking you to take me off of your Honored and Prestigious List of potential clients.

 

Please feel free to contact me in the future if your company can meet ALL of the following criteria:

1.)    You actually find a tree that grows money on it.

2.)    You can tell me why there are so many reality TV shows.

3.)    You know the real secret behind Jack’s Magic beanstalk beans.

4.)    You can lower the price of gasoline.

5.)    You can tell me why Goofy wears clothes and Pluto doesn’t.

6.)    You invent an affordable invisibility cloak.

7.)    You start a program that requires your top executives to drive cars with 200 yellow stickers on them.

Since I’m confident that you will not be able meet ALL of the aforementioned criteria…I hope to never hear from you again.  I mean this in the nicest “I don’t have a weight problem!” way.

Cordially,

Iric

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