Jan 31 2012


Speaking In The Language Of Opposite

Recently, I have been yelled at and lectured by two women.  Wait!  I know what you’re thinking.  Of course I have been yelled at by a woman.  I’m a man.

Men getting yelled at by women?  Obscured!  When did that start happening?

On to my stories.  I went to the mall and upon reaching the entrance; I held the door open for the woman walking behind me.  She stopped dead in her tracks.  She gave me a Medusa-like stare, snickered, and then proceeded to yell at me.

“What makes you think that I am incapable of holding that door for myself?”

I tried to get a few words out, “I…I…”

“I have worked hard to be a strong, intelligent woman and I’m very capable of opening a door.  Next time you should think about that before you think someone is weak!”

I stood there motionless and speechless.  Yes, I was without speech.

A man who had been walking towards the entrance witnessed the tirade against me.  He looked at me, laughed, and said, “Man.  I don’t know what you did to her but she is not happy with you.”

I said, “Would you believe I just held the door open for her?”

On my way out of the mall I noticed a lady walking behind me.  I opened the door, paused, and for a brief moment I made eye contact with her.  She smiled at me and then I let the door close.  I’m sure she was thinking to herself, “What a jerk!  He could have held the door open for me.”

I can’t win!

My gentleman compass has lost sight of North.  I’m in a chivalrous tailspin these days, but rest assured, I have decided to continue my practice of holding a door open for a woman.  Ladies, please forgive men who decide to perform this courteous act for you.  On behalf of all men, we know you can open a door for yourself.  My mother raised me to be a gentleman so I will suffer whatever consequences come my way in doing so.

Second Lecture: Are you ready for this?  I told a woman that she looked cute.  She rolled her eyes at me and said, “Cute?  Cute is for furry animals.  Cute is for children and babies!  A woman is not cute!  A woman is beautiful or pretty!”

I immediately assumed the position: motionless and speechless.  Again, I was without speech.

I tried not to make eye contact.

I wished I had mastered my magician’s kit as a child and actually learned the art of disappearing.  Heck, I would have loved to have had Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak at that precise uncomfortable moment.

I just smiled and apologized for my mistake.  I wished she was a cute, furry animal because if she were…she wouldn’t be able to speak.

Cute Furry Animal








I now realize what compliment I should have given her.  I should have said, “You are sooooooo not ugly.”  That is a great way of telling someone that they are beautiful or pretty without having to worry about the word cute slipping out.

Other useful compliments:

“You are sooooo not frozen.”  Translation: You are hot!

“You are sooooo not mean.”   Translation: You are nice!

“You are sooooo not dumb.”   Translation: You are smart!

“You are sooooo not a caveman.”  Translation: Me!

I encourage all men to open a door for a woman but be aware; you just might catch someone on the wrong day.  If that happens, assume the position, motionless and speechless, or you better buy a magician’s kit.

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